When I was in high school, this was the most dreaded of all days by single girls like myself. Walking down the hallway and seeing at least three to four couples every five minutes exchanging gifts and whispers in the not-so-secret locker corners was enough to make one want to run to the nearest bathroom and vomit, and then proceed to cry a pool of why-doesn't-anyone-love-me-like-that tears. A girl without a flower in hand was very noticeable, and easy game for that "oh you must be so lonely" pity stare, a look that was enough to make you think you should be feeling lonely, even if you didn't.
Because Father Time is a good man, I am no longer in high school which means two things: one, I no longer have battle the daily teenage torture that dictates girls who don't have boyfriends should just kill themselves, especially on Valentine's Day; and two, I have matured enough to realize that being single is far from the end of the world: yes, even on this, the day meant for love.
But what constitutes love is more widespread than our friends in the media care to promote around this time of year. Today, my mom bought me flowers. Not because she feels bad that I don't have a man to get me roses, but because (shocker!) she loves me. She used to get me and all of my siblings chocolate or plush flowers, despite the fact that one of my sisters has been with her now husband for over a decade. And even though my first words to her were a mocking "wow I feel pathetic", I was actually really touched that she thought to do that. My mom and I have been through a lot over the years, but she's still one of my favourite people and I tell her I love her everyday, not just on February 14. That, to me, is Valentine love, too.
And here's the point where I include single girl cliche: today, I am my own Valentine, because I do love myself. And cliche though this might seem, for me (and probably so many other women) it's a huge accomplishment. I was never a girl that fit the mould of what society dictates is picture perfect, mostly because I've always had a weight problem. I was never bullied or mocked in high school, but I have always been my biggest critic in regards to my academics, my appearance, and pretty much everything else. Everyone who has been through it knows in hindsight that insecurity only gets magnified in the high school atmosphere, and I was no exception. It took me a long time to find my own value, my own beauty (internally and externally), my own voice. Going away for school played a large part in helping me discover a love for myself, and since I've found it, I don't plan on going back.
Maybe I'm bordering on vanity here, but I really like who I am. I'm no longer afraid to share my opinions (please see this post). I actually, finally, know and believe that being single is not my "fault"; it's not something that constitutes "fault" at all, nor is it something of which I should be ashamed. Would I like to have someone, someday to share this day with? Yes. Do I feel like I've failed because I don't have someone now? No. And I don't sit in my dark corner casting spells and curses at people in love. One of my closest friends recently got engaged, and I couldn't be happier for her. I'm not angry or bitter or any other of those cynical things single girls are supposed to be when their friends find happiness in love largely because I know that I am not even close to being ready for marriage. I may not be for another decade or so. And that's ok.
So tonight, I'm not going for dinner with a significant other; I'm ordering in dinner with significant others (my mom, sister and brother-in-law--who are choosing to celebrate tomorrow). And instead of The Notebook, I might bond with my mom over an episode of Gilmore Girls (though I wish we were that cool) or watch an episode of Suits (because whether or not he knows it, Mike Ross is my second Valentine). This Valentine's Day, whether you're in a relationship or not, remember to take some time to love yourself. Because you're wonderful and unique, and you deserve it. I sure do.
Gotta book it lovers,
JEM
No comments:
Post a Comment