Orange really IS the new black (minor spoiler warning)

This autumn I, like millions of other people, binge-watched Netflix's hit new series Orange is the new Black. I love it.  Some of my friends hate it; I still don't understand why. This show is just so miraculous on so many levels: it sends me on a roller-coaster of emotions-- and I love when an artist (in any medium) can make me feel. And this show so celebrates women: all types of women, different races and sizes and sexualities, their flaws and their survival skills, their incredible ability to bear suffering.

But at the end of the season, which, if you haven't seen it, is pretty scary and horrifying and violent, I HAD to know: is this real? Do prisons in the US actually work like that? Because what the show depicts in microscopic detail is corruption on a level so deep, it's a wonder the country even holds together.
Now, I have the memory of a goldfish, so it was a complete surprise to me when my mother-in-law gave me the book (same title as the show) for Christmas.  It's a slim paperback (just 299 pages including the afterword.) And it's a fast-paced read that I careened through. Couldn't. Put. It. Down.

the book cover.

Piper Kerman (the author, upon whom the main character of the TV series, Piper Chapman, is based) ends up spending 13 months of a 15 month sentence in a women's prison 10 years after her non-violent drug crime. In that time, she experience degradation, the ineffectuality and indifference of institutions, and of course, powerful doses of love, support, ingenuity, friendship and camaraderie of a motley crew of people brought together in dire circumstances.  But the book is rather light on some of the show's juiciest details: one guard's intense homophobia (specifically against lesbians), one warden's downright criminal running of the prison (from the hint that she stole prison budget for her fancy car to threatening colleagues to covering up a rape), and Piper's affair with her ex-lover, (Nora in the book, Alex in the show). Plus, the lecherous and "rapey" guard Mendez.
If the book's silence on these issues is to be believed, then Netflix is just taking creative license; and there's nothing wrong with that. But Kerman is an advisor on the show's writing team. I have to wonder if she kept some stuff out of the book and is revealing it to the writers.

Taylor Schilling (right) who depicts Piper Kerman (left)

I have to say, OITNB was a bit of a harrowing read. Kerman writes well, but the stuff she relates is hard enough to bear, even without Netflix's lurid additions. I was thrilled and relieved every time I would reach a chapter I'd seen in the show and it turned out actually "easier" than what I'd viewed.
The biggest difference is that Kerman writes in this mature, Zen voice and doesn't make the mistakes her TV counterpart makes-- and nor are the people surrounding her as exaggerated. The show tries to elicit debate about the heroine's merits: she is accused of being selfish, flighty, changeable and whiny. Kerman gets no such abuse and doesn't appear to deserve it. Whether that is the way "things actually went down" or whether Kerman is painting herself in a flattering light and TV writers had to "dress her down", I don't know.
But in both forms, what draws me to this saga is the fantastic depiction of female relationships; they ring so true to me. Watching and reading OITNB is like looking out a dark lake on an overcast day: the water is black and frightening. But every now and then, the sun bursts through the clouds in a tiny ray, and the water flashes blinding gold. Those are the gems, the tiny moments of female companionship that are so moving, so true to life, and so precious.

Such a large female cast- it's fab!

Eleven years later: a thank you note to English teachers

I've had a long-cherished daydream that one day, I'll write a novel and it'll get published.  Inside, the dedication: along with the usual to family and friends, one special person whom I haven't seen in decade(s)... my seventh-grade English teacher.
But it's already been 11 years and I'm no closer to being published now as I was then.  And I want to say "thank you" before it's too late.
So lasso that Christmas spirit, pull out your fancy gel pens, and put your thoughts on paper; you might not get another chance.
This is the letter that I sent to the English teacher who changed my life:

Dear Mr. L--,

I was a student in your seventh-grade English class at E-- Middle School in 2002.  You were a fantastic teacher and I have always remembered you.

This month, I graduated from --- University with an MA in English Language and Literature, and I would like to thank you for your part in setting me on the path toward my passion.  I have often thought of writing you to say “thanks”, but I wanted to wait until I had accomplished this so you could really know what a difference you have made in my life and the lives of your students.

I always loved English and wasn’t an all-star at other subjects, like math.  But my 12-year-old self’s understanding of the world was that the one thing I was good at was not “real” or valuable.  My memory might have exaggerated over the years, but in my mind, you are the person who told me that “writing IS a real job” and I have never forgotten.  I so vividly remember biking home from school after our conversation that day more light-hearted, more hopeful, and more confident in myself than I had ever been before.  Since then, I have never put down my pens or my books. 

I’m sure that you continue to inspire, counsel and encourage hundreds of students; I hope you know how your kindness, teaching, and impact is treasured, and with what fondness you are remembered.

Thank you!

Yours,

JEM Colborne   

He's the person who told me one could study English, one could write for a living.  I spent the rest of my middle and high school career buried in notebooks, cooking up novels, toting around a thesaurus heavier than any of my other textbooks and dreaming of the day I'd see my novel in Chapters.  And now here I am, 11 years later, six of those spent directly studying Literature, now a "master".  If I didn't say "thank you" now, I might never get a better opportunity.

So seize the day, fellow bibliophiles!  Life is short.  Love is strong.  The time is now.

xoxo

JEM

Tug my heartstrings, don't sucker punch my ovaries: Kate Morton still enchants

If you want a sure bet for most any (female) reader on your Christmas shopping list this year, go with Kate Morton.  Though not new on the publishing scene, if the receiver on your list hasn't yet read her works, she's bound to be enthralled after just a few pages.      

 Morton's sumptuous novels are elegantly strewn together to make captivating, touching mysteries.  It is chick-lit at its best: novels that focus on intellectual, emotional women and the hardships of their lives, from infertility and adoption to broken marriages and doomed love affairs.  Unfortunately, I think most male readers will stick to Green Lantern.  But I could be wrong.

 The House At Riverton (2007), Morton’s breakout novel, which is published in Australia as The Shifting Fog, chronicles the lives of an upper-class family in the late 19^th century.  It is narrated from the memories of one of their old housemaids, who now lies dying in a senior’s facility, out of place in the modern age.  Morton is especially talented at writing the narratives of elderly ladies, and both of her Sunday Times best-sellers have senior citizens as their protagonists.  This is a breath of fresh air, when you consider quite a lot of chick-lit is a la Devil Wears Prada and stars young, fashion savvy 20-somethings in the Big City.

From bookdepository.co.uk

The Forgotten Garden (2008), Morton’s second novel, is about a grand-daughter who takes up the cross-continental search for her grandmother’s birth parents.  The novel jumps smoothly from different characters, locations and time periods, and the reader’s attention is held by the fast-pace of the changing plot.  But, one may find, as I did, that Morton’s characters tend to be a little static.

My biggest criticism of her work is that after reading both the books, the characters are indiscernible from one another, and her style, though easy on the eyes, was so changeless that these two separate works felt to me like one, continuous world.  That being said, though I wouldn't read 20 Kate Morton books back-to-back, I thoroughly enjoy picking up her up at least once a year, and I always pick up her newest releases when they hit the shelves at Costco.  Then I cozy up with my tissues, cocoa, nail polish and nature soundtrack for some quality girl time.

From railbirds.com

Both novels contain unforeseen twists and the secrets, which lure the reader in, are more complicated than I’d originally anticipated.  The books are extensively researched and even though they’re not incredibly insightful, the prose is loftier than the Shopaholic series.  Morton has a formula that she sticks to, but that’s not to say that her stories aren’t fluid and addictive.  I literally found a hiding place at my summer job so that I could curl up and enjoy the final chapters uninterrupted (it was under my boss' desk...he was never in his upstairs office). 

Her newest books, The Distant Hours (2011) and The Secret Keeper (2013) are on my Christmas wishlist.  They're bound to be the emotional, misty-eye-inducing plots that everyone loves a dose of, minus the Nicholas Sparks hyperbole.  I don't know about you, but I like the little subtlety in my chick lit; more of a tugging on my heartstrings rather than a sucker punch to my ovaries.

Don't quote me on it, but I'm pretty sure Costco and Indigo have four packs of all Morton's works.  Or if you don't want to chance it, go with just Riverton-- so far, it's my favourite.  You can't lose with the roaring '20s, a troubled poet and a tragic mystery.  If you're feeling extra generous, pair with a vintage tea cup, some herbal teas, or a scented candle for the ultimate girly-girl reading experience.

You can check out KM talking about Distant Hours here. 

Gotta book it!

xox

JEM

The English Major Book Clutch Tutorial

Before we get started with this excellent tutorial, first let me say haters gon' hate.  Ever since the Lauren Conrad incident when she chopped up Lemony Snicket books to make a stylish storage bin, self-righteous book lovers everywhere have been viciously deploring anyone who so much as blinks at their craft supplies.
There are a lot of reasons why I think that's wrong.  For one, I think the internet is like the judgiest place ever and it drives me mental that those hiding behind their laptops screens can post comment after comment of vitriolic insults that they would never dare expound face-to-face.  Plus, there's the added fact that we don't know the whole story.  If some craftster has rescued a pack of books from a dumpster and they are literally falling apart and unreadable, who am I to criticize if they use the pages for arts and crafts?  People also have the right to do what they want with their own property, whether we like it or not.  And personally, if I'm going to work for property law changes or to alter people's mindset, I'm going to work on the assholes who think they can beat their dogs or euthanize their otherwise healthy animals just because "it's my property."  But I'm getting off track.  The point is, keep your bitching to yourself, Internet.  Because this is a really awesome craft and it made a fantastic, inexpensive, meaningful grad gift to my beloved friends.

Book page art by TexasGirlDesigns on Etsy

  The hardest part of this process was finding the right books.  I wanted affordable, but beautiful, sturdy hardcovers, of novels my friends had not just read, but loved.  Because it's definitely poser-ish to strut around with a book clutch of a story you've never read.  I don't have photos of this part of the process, but scour Value Village, the Salvation Army, and used bookstores until you find a book that appeals to you and a clutch or wallet that is a similar size or slightly smaller.
STEP ONE: Gather supplies.
Pretty book
Similar-sized clutch
Hot glue gun and gun
Exacto knife
Scissors
Pencil and sharpie
Cardboard and wrapping paper
Stuff to protect your workspace like a trivet and old newspaper
Possibly some foam and fabric if your clutch is way too short for the cover.

Ready to go!

STEP TWO: This one hurts.

The hardest part of the process is cutting up the book.  I know, it hurts.  But if you do it carefully, the book will come out intact.  Be extra careful not to puncture the cover!  Just cut the cover from the bound pages.

Take a deep breath.

STEP THREE: Position the clutch inside the cover, and, when it's where you like it, generously glue it in place.

Also cut any ugly tags out of the inside of your clutch.

There's a saying "I craft, therefore I have no thumbprints."  That's because hot glue BURNS.

STEP FOUR: Wait patiently for glue to dry.  The amazing thing about hot glue is that it's solid after like three minutes.  So not much patience required.  I like this.  Add more glue if you see weak spots.

STEP FIVE: Take the intact pages of the book and measure against a piece of firm but flexible cardboard.  This will be the new cover.

 STEP SIX: Glue the book to the cardboard and wrap it (like you did in third grade) with pretty paper.  Write the title on the front and the spine.  Ta-da!  You have a completely readable, customized, book, as well as a new purse that is totally a conversation starter and a proud proclamation of your love of all things lit!

No books were harmed in the making of this purse.

STEP SEVEN: You can add a decorative tassel or cord to the zipper or cover if you want (Fabricland has great options).

Each will be unique; this clutch came with a wristlet and cute rounded clasp.  See the gold cord along the side of the spine?

|Clutch on the left; book on the right.  Tassel attached to the zipper.

Hope you enjoyed this.  Go forth and make your own clutches; they're great conversation starters.  What better way to show the world how madly in love you are with a book or author than by touting them around everywhere you go?

Gotta book it!

xox --JEM

UPDATE:

Apparently the "in" thing right now, thanks to Restoration Hardware, is spineless books! Another excellent way to salvage and display the inside of your hardcover after doing the book clutch DIY. The evidence:

DIY:

Restoration Hardware inspired spineless books

 ETSY:

For sale on Etsy

Restoration Hardware Catalogue

Restoration Hardware

Restoration Hardware

So the moral of the story is...

Pee isn't supposed to be bloody; but apparently it isn't supposed to be bright yellow either.
All these years I've made such a joke of it: "Oh, I live off coffee!  Oh, I'm the most dehydrated girl in the world!  I haven't had a glass of water in weeks!"
Well, the joke's on me because over time, the consistent dehydration I thought was "no big deal" actually created a rawness in my bladder that caused minor bleeding and a whole lot of discomfort.
If you read my last post, you'll know I was making bathroom trips ridiculously often; I had to pee all the time and we couldn't figure out why.  I had a minor meltdown pre-cystoscopy, imagining horrific scenarios like cancer or infertility.  How embarrassing but relieving to find out I was the cause of my own easily-treatable ailment.
So the moral of the story is: drink your eight cups of water per day.  Don't skip 'em.  Because it's not the cystoscopy that hurts (it's uncomfortable, sure, but not truly painful) but the peeing after is a BITCH.
Don't get me wrong; the hospital staff was exceptionally nice and the male nurse who chatted with me was hilarious-- but I wouldn't want to make this a regular thing.  Much better to drink litre upon litre of H2O and have to pee plenty at the moment; my doctor assured me that soon I'll have "trained" my bladder back into a regular schedule.  But only if I drink.  I guess it's a "use it or lose it" kind of thing.

You can read the start of my medical journey here.

Bookin' it

JEM